Courtroom bloopers - from Richard Lederer's "Anguished English"
ISBN 0-941711-04-8

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What is his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for 45 years, and you can't remember
     his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
     pointing to Mr. Borofkin) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your
     first name!
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Q. Did you stall all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
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Q. James stood back and shot Tommy Lee?
A. Yes.
Q. And then Tommy Lee pulled out his gun and shot James in the fracas?
A. (After a hesitation) No sir, just above it.
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Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
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Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
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Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
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Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. What did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
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Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
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Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cheney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had several of her children by Dr.
     Cheney, and she said he was really good.
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Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
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Q. Mrs. Smith, you do believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I used to be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.
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Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Lifting them up in the air?
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
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Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been on dead people.
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Q. Were you acquainted with the decedent?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
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Q. Officer, what led you to believe that the defendent was under the
     influence?
A. Because he was argumentary, and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
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Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
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Q. Mrs. Jones, is you appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
     notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
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Q. Have you ever been arrested?
A. Yes.
Q. What for?
A. Aggravating a female.
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Q. You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a
     watch.
A. Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.
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JUDGE. Well, gentlemen of the jury, are you unanimous?
FOREMAN. Yes, we're all alike -- temporarily insane.
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THE COURT. Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
     information from your minds, if you have any.
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Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were
     able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her
     not to go also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she,
     with him to the station?
A. MR. BROOKS. Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
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Q. At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior
     to that time?
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JUDGE. I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may server, I will
     indicate for the record that I approached this case with a
     completely open mind.
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Q. Did the lady standing in the driveway subsequently identify herself
     to you?
A. Yes, she did.
Q. Who did she say she was?
A. She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.
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Q. I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
A. Yes.
Q. How long have you known him?
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Q. Now I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit
     No. 2 and ask if you recognize the picture.
A. John Fletcher.
Q. That's you?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. And you were present when that picture was taken?
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Q. As an officer of the Dodge City Police Department, did you stop an
     automobile bearing Kansas license plates SCR446?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Was the vehicle occupied at the time?
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Q. Please state the location of your right foor immediately prior
     to impact.
A. Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the
     immediate end of my right leg.
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Q. Have you ever beaten your wife?
A. No. I might slap her around a little, but I never beat her.
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Q. Just what did you do to prevent the accident?
A. I closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I could.
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Q. What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this
     defendant?
A. Oh, she'll tell you the truth. She said she was going to kill the
     son of a gun -- and she did.
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Q. And another reason that you didn't want to go out there was
     because you feared for your life?
A. Yes, I did.
Q. Why?
A. That's a rowdy neighborhood, and there are very, very bad persons
     that will do bodily harm and seriously kill someone.
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Q. Where were you on the bike at that time?
A. On the seat.
Q. I mean where is the street.
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Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. OK?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

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